'so munde da ki haal chaal?', 'hunn teh toh paraaiii ho gayi','teri last diwali''.....and so on...dharamshala and its wonderful localities enthralled with such vivid variety of comments that I finally had to accept, '' yes, I am getting married and going away "'....
Life has changed ever since I bumped into the 189 cm guju. Though I still consider myself the Dharamshala gal, people around made me realise that my prince charming had arrived and it was not a myth that I would be taken away to a foriegn land(literally) and live happily ever after. As the blessing overflowed and as nostalgia took its firm grip around me....I thought oh goodness! this is for real.
So now, I have a neem chaddha kerela to my kitty who is bound for some rollercoaster ride. I dont know what turn his life would take after I land up with the long list of whims and wishes...His paitience shortage shall be made up few of my giggles and hopefully we shall survive the escapade called marriage with some poise and loads of courage.....

the girl with a golden heart

so when I pen down my list of friends, I have to write her name at the top...whenever she calls and in her usual sweet voice says, ' aur sunna?', I cant stop smiling at the untouched innocence that is so characteristic to her. Her pristine gullibility baffles me and makes my adoration strongerJ I have known her through the college bunks, heart breaks, cute frivolous crushes, scooty geris, sari draping…fruit chats and heart to heart conversation were the beginning of our love story. Idling in MCM grounds, I could chart my entire career graph and weave my love stories with her. I have seen us grow from girls singing “ bheege hont tere’’ loudly on scooty and our first trip to the disc…..to women getting engaged and trying to assume the roles of a responsible spouses(would-be)…
From girls dancing to the tunes of chandigarh kare aashiqi and organizing fests to ladies applying the right lip stick shade and cooking delicacies….
She has lovingly cherished each memory and takes the best opportunity to remind me about someone birthday, someone’s marriage, remind me about MCM days…I smile and my heart says…You are the best thing I remember and can never forget. Never, have I seen a person who so lovingly gives her heart, who cares without expecting anything in return, who never loses her calm….her angel like demeanor is both surprising and reassuring. She has been there even when I called after a span of six months, she was there when I had to confide, she was there when I was jittery and hopefully she will be there for a lifetime….

'Kiddo', I said and realized that the full bright happy dent smile shrank a bit. The surd with paggs of every colour possible did not want to hear the truth. 'I said that I find you irresponsible', I reiterated. He gave a twist to his mustache and frowned.
I am writing about a new character which has surfaced over a chapter in my life. A jat to the core with child like whims & fancies and indefinable love for music. The well tailored business suits and colour coordinated tie-pagg tries to give him the regal professional appeal but a look deeper and you realize this is one notorious life-loving creature. His zest for life definitely captivates the onlooker. His love for Mandi, hills, dosti –yari is weaved into tales to delight the listener. The music is boisterously loud, the style is impeccable and the spark is ignitable. I laugh and smile for once I came across a man who utters more words than a woman....finally.
What intrigues me...is the blend of know-it-all and the gullibility...a blend of aristocracy with simplicity, an affable flamboyance coupled with irritating recklessness...someone who is living life at the edge (dangerous yet exciting)....
may god bless this kiddo ...glad to have met you and known you....

a little drop of water seeps in everyday...the magnanimity of the situation doesn't trouble me yet. ' i miss you' or 'wont you cry when i leave' is about careless quesyioning. The real impact of change is felt only after it has occurred. The shopping sprees, loads of work, joys of sharing and riots of laughter are shadowing the snap of ties. The heart does not want to sit and fathom of what shall be lost, what shall be left behind or of what shall be dearly missed. The heart is playing silly games to avoid the cascade of tears and the downpour of emotions.
'I have done this before, I will do it again', is the flimsy excuse I use to curtail the miffs within. The world moves on, the new phase beckons you, life is holding out its embrace yet a part of you is grief stricken. Is it really a final goodbye? Is it really different this time? Is life really gonna change?
Questions bounce over the tramopline my mind....

celebrations....

after attending a series of functions and night of glamourous marriage celebrations, i rake my brains....are the high flown, super duper, lavish, loud, gaudy celebrations required to mark the beginning of a new phase of a peaceful serene and loving companion ship?

sometimes, it just appears like a dismal waste of resources....are the close family memebers really enjoying the ongoing proceeding or they merely instruments for management? are teh guests really pouring blessing on teh couple or just pilling up their plates? Amidst the hullabaloo and the doldrums, I glance at teh coy bride...her blushing cheeks, her timid self....so much going on in her heart...so much changing in her life....and then why not celebrate this transition? Why not spend the hard earned resources on making this once a lifetime moment memorable? Why not give shape to her dreams and childhood fascinations?

A two sided figure emerge before my eyes...the utter disgust at teh wastage and the absolute love for the celebrations...so what should one do...can their that middle path(once advocated by buddha)...maybe!!!

expressions.....

when a message is posted on facebook wall or a random phone call declares unqualified love or when a compliment is paid....everything acquires this beautiful new dimension. When someone asked me, is expression the core of a relationship...my answer was simple, it s not the core but its simply like what a fragrance is to a rose, expression is to a relationship. By making the other person know what we feel in new interesting ways, by complimenting your 40 yourold wife, by thanking your dad for all his teachings, by calling a dear long lost frien, by hugging your husband when he leaves for work......we express. Expression is not a language but a gesture. It is not obligatory or complusory but necessary. Lack of expression does not harm your relationship but a presence of expression makes the relationship bloom.

My pact for the day...if i feel the need express...i shall...( caveat: be sure no one gets hurt)

new chapter...

the bright clothes and shimmering jewellery was not what filled the space of my mind after the engagement ceremony..somewhere something had changed. Infact, alot had changed. A diamond ring wonderfully glided down my finger and shone in all it glory. He stood tall, erect and immaculately dressed in the dull gold attire...the broken front teeth adding the boyish charm to his personna. As someone rightly said, it wasn't about two people coming together but about two families...families from such disparate lives...distinct styles...varied in every aspect...how wonderfully each one trying to capture others words..how pleasingly communicating their thoughts... definately the word secular came alive in every aspect. ' Unity in diversity' so fundamentally ingrained in our constitution couldn't have had a more apt example...a himachali sardarni engaged to a Gujurati jain :)

If someone questions my feelings then....I would be utterly honest in stating that happiness is one shade of it...from worrying about my tossed and tied hair, to the bindi not in the centre, a dress too bright and the stares judging my every move..' how talll she is?' ' our chintu is far more handsome?' ' will she be good for him?' ' is she too confident or too shy?' does she speak much?' ' will her mother- in-law love her?' ' why does a guju need to go out of community?'...i guess questions have a never ending trail...thus creating a muddle of emotions from curiosity to anxiety, from being confident to being shy, from trepidation to joy...

' am i good enough for him?' 'is he the perfect guy?''will he happy and will we live happily ever after?'...these were the macro level questions boucing like basket balls over the court of my mind. And then that hevenly intervention( where you see light at the end of the tunnel) took place...i looked around..there isn't a single perfect person in the world...its about two people coming together and trying to create a perfect life...isn't it?

with hordes of faults and with n number of irritating habbits firmly embedded in me, I cant go around and ask god to bless me with a perfect gentleman...all i can ask for is man with whom I can search happiness...as the new chapter opens in the book of life...it would be insane if I am expecting just red roses ... I am looking forward to this kiddo at heart, sometines totally irritating, tall and handsome, amazingly loving guy who will try to complete me...

for better or for worse...I am engaged to Manan Shah( aka Mr. Ahim Jurry)

rubbing my eyes, I switch this piece of metal to connect with the world out there....a hot piping cup of coffee is brewing in my mind (ofcourse, a hot melting chocolate laden cake accompanying it)...my mind hasn't had a moment of peace for the past 20 days. Every moment I was thinking of ten different things. The word stress was dissected to its smallest and minutest atom as I have understood and lived with its very DNA. Sleep acquired a new precious status while I turned and tossed in the bed. When pain seethes the columns of heart, a whimper rises to the petal lips and gets lost in the process of being strong. Experience of someone dear getting hurt is inexpressible. The tears welled up at the sight of her in the emergency ward, black tiny dots blurred the vision, a turmoil arose in the pit of my stomach and my legs became shaky. Her ''Wahe guru" silently swept across the room and I knew I cant spare a moment for the demon called helplessness. Through the past three weeks, I have seen her in the operation theatre, the ICU....I have seen the oxygen mask over her creased face, the glucose drip piercing through her veins, the arms fastened in a sling....been with her all the moments...rose to action even when she turns side on the bed...ran to her side when she just tried to take a step..tried to feed her an extra morsel, bathed her, combed her hair in different styles, cooked her favourite meals, chatted and narrated endless sadar jokes... but its not about me...its about US....the wonderful bond that I shall cherish till my last breathe... I have realised how wonderful she had once combed my hair, bathed me in bubble filled tub, tried to run behind me(the toddler) and feed me every morsel, kept awake when I couged due to my tonsels, nursed my bruised knees, told me the stories....its a wow feeling :) Nanima, I love you and have realised how Beautifully life teaches its most amazing lessons.....hidden in every instance, is a story long forgotten surfaces...

Finding love...

I thought I had lost it all, the evening when the Amaretto swirled in the glass

the eyes roved over the moles and made the lips quiver....

the words half spoken and hanging in the chill air separating us

a streak of infinite joy painting the expanse and rumors doing marry-go-round

the gaze that made heart trot and the world acquired a new shade of red

when the packed bags lay obiediently in the dismal corner

the shards of broken dreams pinched the eyes

uncertain steps lingered at the doorway and a crooked smile settled on his lips

trying to fight back the flush of emotions, through the mist of tears he held on to my face

with buds of love hanging by a thread, the baggage weighed heavy

and the aircarft engines roared tore something within

days went past, upheavels marked the scape of life

love with a dubious veil sat in the lonely corner

the strength , the verdure , the joy came in jolts

but then fell nights of longing, of nothing to hold on to

on the hinges of clout, I fought now

the promise honoured, the smile bequeathed

the wait answered for the journey yet to begin

the moments sparkled, for today I sit recount my journey of love...

Love is in the air and as we search for various ways to express it, we end up raking our brains, consulting friends and surfing the net. Amidst the hullabaloo surrounding the V Day, we lose ourselves to the pursuits. Though most of us think of it as a day to express and connect, we make an assumption of considering it lovers day.
I wish to make a statement when I say I am in love with many. I take the opportunty of valentines day to express my ultmate love for a thing called LIFE. My love for myself is not just a hollow symbol of misplaced narcissism but an expression of joy which I derieve from myself. Believe me that we cannot spread joy or love unless we are in sync with ourselves. Self love is neither self pity nor self indulgence. It is about relishing solo moments, deriving pleasure from solititude and living life to the fullest.
By loving myself, I do not discount my love for few special people in life. It's just that I am able to love them beacuse I love myself......

fragrance...

the sun slanted its rays to plant a gentle kiss on her milk white cheeks;

its glow bequeathed a halo like crown over her soft black hair

the angelic face adored with the curve of pink luscious lips

the scintillation shimmered in her marble eyes

the world paused to take a breath, breathe her fragrant self

the breathe that tried to hold her....clasp her...for she shall flutter and be gone

like the multihued butterfly over the daffodils, like the golden glow of the setting sun

just to capture..was the whiff of her cascading her....

the fragrance of soft skin,

i ll hold my breathe and hold her within...for it shall be all I will have when she will be gone

It beautifully engulfed winter days....the morning wakes up wearily, streching its arms and brushing away the sordid sun like a lock of hair over its temple. Chilling fingers carress the soft red cheeks and send a shrill down the spine. The clock moves lazily for the day hath come but sleepy souls resist its march. A smoking coffee stands tall admist the pile of books, welcoming the passerby. frills of smoke rise a while before losing themselves to the cold air.
the pink lips part and gently say thy name of love...
love the warmth that made the chill dissappear and spread its arms into a big bear hug